They were probably a part of me more than I knew, I didn't know they were even there until I hit my teens. At first I saw them as standing shadows of smoke from the corner of my eyes and nothing when I turned around. I could have kid myself for a very long time but then one day I saw them. I turned around and there were no shadows and no smoke, their faces materialized and then their bodies and from then on I saw them like that when they were in front of me, and shadows at my back. They were people, like people at least, but I felt uneasy as they manifested themselves, they tried to look as normal as possible but I sensed their otherworldliness. I don't know how and why they were bound to me, but they had been, the woman longer than the man, they helped me in their way, I think. They could not escape me and showed no interest in doing so, I could set them free by command but I never did. The woman helped me in a general unobtrusive sort of way, helping me remember things, take care
of myself and only giving serious advice when she thought I needed it, She made sure I wasn't depending on others for my day to day needs, so that I was self sufficient, independent. She got along with the man but somehow it seems she always asked me to be wary of him. He was not careful of my personal boundaries, He was always there and in time I accepted that. I did not love him but we were intimate regardless, I suppose that sounds like most marriages but I thought this arrangement helped me as well to again be independant and self sufficient, these are the words I used but now isolated seems more apt. I think if it was up to the woman alone I would never have seen them, but the man wanted to be seen. I grew up with them around, and to the world it made no difference, I was just another distant girl and it didn't make much difference to me either, my real existence was with these two and with the world a facade. I didn't really find any fault with this situation, of course as I grew older I didn't see the need of the woman constantly reminding me of things, I wasn't a child after all, But the man I still needed or so I thought. My world was still my world with no need or space for anything else, until I met the child.
I can't say that I am particularly fond of children, they are there, they belong to other people and one day they will grow and be as everyone else is, That is how i thought. The man and the woman were not always present with me when i went outside, when there were others around, so when I met the child i didn't not hear the woman telling me that the child was no different and i didn't hear the man saying that i don't need a child. I didn't think i needed the child i either i thought she needed me; small, sweet, precarious, holding out a hand knowing that someone will take it, knowing from its infantile faith that the world will take care of her. I wondered if i had done the same as a child and someone had taken hold and not left, the thought chilled me and i took her with me, What i thought was my life and normal being i would not wish upon her, she trusted the world i wanted her to keep trusting it. This was the first chink in the grimy glass window of my mind and sunlight rushed in. The woman was not happy when i brought the child home, she presented all cases how the little being is going to complicate my life, take over my time, take over my being, but she resigned herself to the decision when she saw that it would be of no avail to argue further. I asked her to leave the child to me and not burden herself. The man I knew was furious but he did not utter a word, I felt a menace settling in. I asked him to leave the child to me as well he agreed but I was still uneasy. I do not think the child could see them, even if she could she didn't care. To the world i had adopted a little girl but really she had adopted me.
From then on I had two existences, One with the child, making me look at the world as if it was thought of at first by its maker, beautiful colors, crisp shapes and and handful of golden hearts hidden in the sea of indifference. And the other existence with the man, the woman did not interfere so much anymore but the Man did not let me be. I still thought i needed him but the double life, a life for myself and my life for someone else started to become unlivable for me. I was scared that the child would change, see the hypocrisy of her adopted mother and be disgusted and above all i was afraid for her, I did not want any harm to come to her specially from the man. So I chose what i had never chosen before and decided to let the man and woman go, command them away, i did not know what would happen to them if i did but it was a risk i was willing to take. It was easy with the woman, she was afterall a logical and pragmatic being, she assured me she would not die and would respect my wishes. I thanked her and commanded her to go away and never come back to me, my child or my home. She receded into her shadow and the shadow moved away and i saw her no more. I knew it would never be easy with the man, he wasn't my caretaker he never claimed to be, but he was possessive and needed or wanted me for himself not just to serve me. He knew what i was about when i approached him, I explained what i was about to do, and that I was grateful for his time with me, that i knew i was doing the right thing, choosing to be this one person, and not be divided, that i was choosing to be vulnerable and that i knew he will be alright without me. He just looked at me with an expression i could not read, he made me turn towards the large mirror in my room and took my hand, before i knew it he was dragging me to the mirror, then rushing into it, the mirror broke but did not fall and he moved into it his body disappearing into what could only be the other side, i tried to break away but i could not, i could hear the child stirring from sleep in the other room and i wanted to run to her but the last thing i felt was shards of glass scraping against my body and i was on the other side. Not in my world but his with no mirror in sight.
In case you need help trying to fix me let me show you how I solve problems via a visual representation of the process
You see any time I need to tackle the problem I have to process all these layers, in most cases ensuring that that problem doesnt see the light of day again, ever. Thanks in advance
I didn't ask for this, why do you keep coming back.
I missed you too :)
Day 1Is it all right to accept paid servitude?
Is it alright to provide service if compensated for it?
Which do you feel you are doing?
I think I'm doing the 2nd but what I'm really doing is the 1st
Do you feel guilt ridden for not giving enough, or not doing enough?
YES all the time?
Do you do enough?
I'm lulled by the stability of a job, it seems like you can get away with alot.
I asked why don't you do enough?
Look I told you I don't feel like it
Why don't you feel like it?
There isn't any motivation, its not like I'm doing something that I feel very passionately about. I'm mildly interested in being competent at my job
Are there any other factors demoralizing your everyday outlook towards life?
Does it matter? If I said there were wouldn't I just be finding excuses? look can you help me or not?
I don't know do you think I can help you?
This is stupid and a waste of time, its all the same, no you cant, if I cant help me then you cant either
You have your answer then, but why do you think you cant help yourself?
.....I'm just too weak, and stupid, I don't look it but I am exactly that; weak and stupid. Maybe I was born this way maybe I wasn't I'm too stupid to figure it out or too weak to attempt it. I have no true calling, I cant remember feeling strongly about anything, I'm apathetic, I bore myself...... Hey stop psycho judging me.
But isn't that why you came to me? and to be honest I don't need to psycho analyse anything, you are telling me all I need to know
Why do you "need" to know anyway you creepazoid.
Ignoring the unstable and emotional outbursts from your very loaded answers I can summarize that you thoroughly believe that you are a hopeless case. you were right I cant help you and you cant help you, you are very hopeless, this conversation is extremely pointless, I was a blank paper a few minutes ago full of possibility, now I'm a rant for a pitiful excuse of a human.
Sigh, you started out so promising with those precise questions about jobs, they were so logical and professional in their construction, I thought you could. But you are right you are only paper after all.
Day 2Hi, I bought you and can write on you, haha!
You are mad
Day 3That was wrong of me to say that I can write on you because I bought you, that makes me no better than people who I work for, they bought me so they can use me.
They didn't buy you, its in your head,
But they did, you cant convince me otherwise
Ahh, so why are you writing on me if you believe I cant help you and also if you think its wrong to write in me because you bought me
Well I thought about it, as I have started writing in you in the first place, it wouldn't be nice to waste you or take pages out give you to someone else, that would be tacky.
You could give me to a needy kid who needs a notebook to do his homework in.
Err, I could couldn't I..... do you want to go a needy kid?
I don't want anything, I'm just paper. jeez! stop anthropomorphizing the shit out of me.
You are rather mean you know
You are rather needy you know
Its a weekend I'm writing in a diary, of course I'm needy. I need you, fix me? make me see how awesome I am, that there might be some overlooked quality in me by me that would totally explain why I'm pathetic, redeem me, forgive me, make me cooler.
You are too obsessed with your self
And.. that makes me cooler?
You are too hard on me, has it occurred to you that without me you are just potential but potential is nothing if not realised.